Police Beat: Feb. 14, 1896
Feb 13th, 2009 | By Longbottom | Category: Ye Olde Police BeatFeb 2: Students reported a hulabaloo behind the ol’ pine tree on campus. Policeman arrived to enquire and were attacked by a hord of seagulls that chased them to the point of the mountain. Seagull attacks have increased as of late and Police Chief Longobottom reminds the student body to protect your eyes if they see seagulls- the devil creatures go straight for the eye balls.
Feb 6: A student reported seeing a young lad running at terrific speeds from the Tanner building in the late afternoon. The lad suddenly stopped running and started to walk at normal speeds. When police arrived the boy could not be found. Policeman warn that wizardry and gypsy magic is not permitted on the Lord’s University.
Feb 7: A harpsichord was found with the seat not pushed in the Harris Fine Arts Center. Police are investigating the incident and the guilty party will spend a week in the underground dungeon.
Feb 18: A sixpence was found on the bottom floor of the Law Library. If any student is missing a sixpence you can claim it after passing a series of tests beginning on Y mountain.
Feb 22: Three young women were walking to class when they spotted a rabid squirrel remaining very still staring at them. The women screamed and ran into the bushes until police arrived. After further investigation it was discovered that the rabbid squirrel was the unclaimed pair of knickers from last week. Police remind the student who lost thier knickers to pick them up.
Feb 23: A large man was seen walking in the Law Building looking at law books. The man was finely dressed and could not have possibly been a student. Police investigated and discovered that the man was doing research for something he called Plessy v. Ferguson – a law case that he claimed would “change the world as we know it.” The man was arrested and sent to Australia. The University does not advocate making up court cases to read books.
