For the fourth consecutive year, Brigham Young University has been named the nation’s most cheating-deficient campus according to the Princeton Review, beating out Smithtown University by a narrow margin. The designation was based on a national survey of college students on which BYU scored lower than any other university with only 7% of students claiming to have cheated within the last semester.

BYU Staff, faculty and administration have taken this as a severe blow to the university’s reputation. “To be honest”, said a disheartened President Samuelson “I’m not sure where we go from here. It seems that this generation of students doesn’t care to maintain the high standards of academic fraud that have always been our legacy.”

But other faculty members think that students may not be entirely to blame. Said Biology Professor Karl Anderson, “I actually had a freshman in my 110 class tell me she had never once cheated in high school. It would seem that secondary schools aren’t doing enough to prepare students for the reality of demanding college bamboozlement.”

With fewer and fewer students successfully cheating on, or even attempting to cheat on AP exams in high school, it’s no wonder that many arrive at BYU unprepared to lie, steal and con on a college-level.

In an attempt to encourage scholastic treachery and deceit of every kind, Student Services has funded a campus-wide poster campaign promoting such slogans as “Studying is so last decade”, “Cheating is like eating -the only way to survive!” and “Imitation is a compliment – plagiarize the authors you admire!”

Many auxiliary departments are also getting involved in the fight for academic dishonesty. The BYU bookstore has recently marked down Test Answer Booklets by as much as 60% in an attempt to entice first-time cheaters, and the University testing center, who has always sold pencils to students who may have forgotten their own has bolstered their offerings to include WIFI-enabled calculators and carbon-copy scantrons for sharing amongst classmates.

BYUSA has spear-headed volunteer-run workshops in the Wilkinson Center aimed at teaching students simple cheating techniques such as stuffing paper into the barrel of a mechanical pencil, or wearing long sleeves on test day to conceal answers written on the arms.

“There’s really no limit to the ways a student can cheat with enough preparation and hard work,” said Suzanne Talbot, BYUSA Co-President “ Many student’s haven’t ever considered beneficial tactics such as blackmailing professors with personally-devastating information or simply offering a bribe.”

Career advisor Shannon McLellan bemoaned the failure: “We as a university are charged with the responsibility of preparing young men and women for success in a variety of careers. If we can’t even teach them to text-message answers in the testing center, how will they ever learn to fib on their taxes or steal credit for a co-worker’s finance report?”

“As for our designation as the nation’s most Stone Cold Sober university,” continued Ms. McLellan, “I just can’t believe we’re still beating out the Trinity Amish College for the title.”

“I have finished my sojourn here on your pathetic planet and it is time for me to return to my home planet,” said Cloak Boy (known on his home planet as “Ghuup Gokthez”) as he hovered 20 feet above the roof of the Tanner building on BYU campus, eyes ablaze and surrounded by light and various bird shaped creatures.

“My mission has been a failure, but so be it. You will learn the error of your ways after the first plague of Narcimina in the year 2260.”

Cloak Boy was first discovered by police singing incoherently during breaks between classes on the Brigham Young University Campus. Students payed little attention to Ghup, but on occasion students could be seen listening to him and then suddenly disappear in a burst of light.

University police repeatedly attempted to arrest Cloak Boy, but were foiled as the visitor from the future repeatedly seemed to materialize into thin air and reappear on other part of campus. According to police, the mysterious visitor would sometimes transform into small rodents or bugs and evade police by crawling into bushes.

“No matter what we tried, we could never catch  him,” said Universitay policeman Greg Barratt. “He would sing and sing and then when we tried to catch it, it would just disappear. We have set apart an entire squad dedicated with the sole purpose of catching Mr. Gokthez.”

According to campus officials, Cloak Boy is neither registered for, or ever attended Brigham Young University.

“We do not know how he got here, and we sure as heck don’t know why he’s still here,” said Jillian Guertz, campus advisor and fellow balloon animal maker.

“We have done everything we can to get rid of him, but he just seems to stick around – like my Grandma.”

After Ghup’s announcement from the top of the Tanner building, the sunny sky above transformed into a ferocious thunderstorm and he was seen taken up into the sky on what seemed to be a gigantic eagle.

The club’s president, John Gibbons, made the decision after watching the movie “E.T.”. In an interview 15 minutes before take-of, Gibbons expressed his childhood dream to peddle to the moon on a mountain bike.

“That’s why I joined the club, in the hopes of finally making it to the moon,” said Gibbons. “I’ve been riding my bike to class everyday for a year, so I guess you could say I’m ready. It’s the same thing, just going in another direction. ”

Gibbons said that the trip should be easy, even if he didn’t have an extra terrestrial with telekentic abilities to help him. 

“I have the priesthood,” said Gibbons. 

Gibbons will be joined by seven other Astronomy Club members. 

Some of the members do not have bicycles, so will be using other forms of transportation including scooters, roller blades, and longboards. 

Sarah Jensen, a sophomore from Lake Michigan and Vice President of the Astronomy Club, is excited to roam the lunar surface on her unicycle. 

“I started riding it (the unicycle) last month, and its really hard,” said Jensen. “But on the moon, I won’t be able to fall because of the whole gravity thing, right?” 

The University was unaware of the Astronomy Club’s lunar bicycle trip, but upon news of their departure wished them “luck” and to asked them to “let us know how it goes.”

The club began the launch on the top of the Tanner building, dressed in homeade “space suits” made of tin foil and coat hangers. Each club member was equipped with a medal rod, which according to Gibbons, was to be used to push away debri in the earth’s atmoshpere.

After their departure from the top of the Tanner building, Gibbons could be heard yelling something to the crowd below, but was inaudible due to the overwhelming amount of lightning in the sky at the time.

In rolls of parchment thrown to citizens from a stagecoach, His High Majesty Billings of the Great Country of Utah, stated that all branches of the legislature have immediately been dissolved, the Provo Library is to be his new home, and that all citizens will know be referred to as “Minnions.”

“It has hereby been decreed, ye minnions of Utah, that His High Majesty Billings of the Great Country of Utah from henceforth and forever will be the High Ruler of the great country of Utah,” read the parchment. “His High Majesty orders all Utah minnions to begin construction of the solid gold castle which will rest on top of B Mountain (formerly known as Y Mountain.)”

Citizens of the state are pleased with the nomination.

“It’s about time for a change,” said Kyle Holt, a local Spanish Fork resident. “I was getting tired and annoyed with the 3 branch crap – with one person making all the decisions, things will be much better around here.”

Upon Billings self-nomination, Utah separated from the United States becoming its own country. 

“The Great Country of Utah will expand its boundaries to the very corners of the earth,” said the parchment. “Any who oppose His High and Mighty Majesty Billings will be sent into outer space.”

Minnions of the great country of Utah can read more about the new laws and precedents on the various posters nailed on the sides of the buildings still left standing from the Great Cleansing and Ransacking.

The University stated that the addition to the new cards would increase security measures and make it easier for teachers to remember students’ names.

Ashley “Flat Jaw” Jacobsen, a sophomore from Little Creek, WY is excited about the news, and hopes that other schools can adopt the changes.

“I think it’s great the school is finally giving students nicknames that ridicule their insignificant and petty physical imperfections that would otherwise go unnoticed,” said Jacobsen.

“It’s easier for me to remember people I meet because I focus on what makes them different and their nickname  usually reflects that.”

BYUSA President Stacy Tueller, a junior from Conneticut, is a staunch supporter for the change and has been pushing University officials to incorporate the nicknames since her Freshman year. 

“Ever since I’ve come to BYU, I have had trouble remembering peoples’ names,” said Tueller.

“So I just started making names up, you know? Like, there was this one guy in my Physical Science class who had a crooked smile, so I just called him ‘Smiley’.  And this other girl in my HEPE class would sniffle a lot, so I called her ‘O’l Snifflers’. It makes things so much easier.”

University officials have made an effort to make sure the nicknames reflect the student, and are not too generic.

“It’s harder than one would think,” said Carrol Burch, head of the new ID card project.

“If two students have a limp, you can’t call them both ‘Captain Ahab’. You have to be more clever than that.”

Burch recalls one instance where two students had an identical scar on the lip. 

“We couldn’t call both of them ‘Lipsy’. So we named one ‘Fat Lips Joey’ and the other ‘Helen the Skel’ton.’

A group of students from the Computer Science department were asked to be on the naming comittee, due to their superhuman creative abilities and superior people skills.

March 16: A woman was seen making her way to the Brimhall building. She was reported having wanton eyes and produced a fair amount of wincing. Police are investigating the matter.

March 18: Police discovered engravings on the ol’ pine tree west of campus. The engraving said, “Charles Butler (heart) Rose Turley.” Presently policeman have no leads and are completely baffled by the occurrence. If you have any information as to who could have done this, please contact Chief Longbottom.

March 20: A half eaten apple was found on the east side of the Cannon Center. The apple was then fed to a horse wayfaring west on 9th E. The horse was found dead 14 years later. Police are investigating the link between the half eaten apple and the deceased horse.

March 25: A deer was spotted nurturing its young west of the Law Building. The 3 young fawns played joyfully and frolicked among the bushes, enjoying a most pleasant Thursday afternoon. University police arrived after complaints of excessive frittering and quickly apprehended the deer for questioning. The squirmy, four-legged  beasts refused to cooperate and were placed in the University Dungeon. Police Chief Longbottom reminds students to leave your deer at home – they are not welcome on campus.

Feb 6: A student reported seeing a young lad  running at terrific speeds from the Tanner building in the late afternoon. The lad suddenly stopped running and started to walk at normal speeds. When police arrived the boy could not be found. Policeman warn that wizardry and gypsy magic is not permitted on the Lord’s University.

Feb 7: A harpsichord was found with the seat not pushed in the Harris Fine Arts Center. Police are investigating the incident and the guilty party will spend a week in the underground dungeon.

Feb 18: A sixpence was found on the bottom floor of the Law Library. If any student is missing a sixpence you can claim it after passing a series of tests beginning on Y mountain.

Feb 22: Three young women were walking to class when they spotted a rabid squirrel remaining very still staring at them. The women screamed and ran into the bushes until police arrived. After further investigation it was discovered that the rabbid squirrel was the unclaimed pair of knickers from last week. Police remind the student who lost thier knickers to pick them up.

Feb 23: A large man was seen walking in the Law Building looking at law books. The man was finely dressed and could not have possibly been a student. Police investigated and discovered that the man was doing research for something he called Plessy v. Ferguson – a law case that he claimed would “change the world as we know it.” The man was arrested and sent to Australia. The University does not advocate making up court cases to read books.

“I mean what’s the first thing you think of when you hear “Brigham Young University?”, said Brian Harris, a sophomore from Utah majoring in Political Science. “Naked Indians. We all know that. Why BYU doesn’t put more naked statues – I don’t know.”

Statue of a woman near the MOA.

The statement addressed the concerns by Harris and other agitated students saying, “The University and school officials are aware of the lack of naked statues adorning our University. It has become a top priority for BYU to implement more half clothed, revealing and otherwise completely naked statues on campus.”

Carol Hansen, President of the local “Students For More Naked Statues on Campus” club has been lobbying for more unclothed statues on campus since she arrived at the University in 2004.

“It’s absurd that the school has just one naked Indian,” said Hansen. “It’s like someone said, ‘Oh, one naked guy will be enough, I can’t see a need for any more.’ Oh, if I could just find that guy and give him a peace of my mind.”

Hansen and Harris are not the only ones concerned about the absence of iron flesh on campus. Many alumnis of the university have expressed their concern through websites and blogs.

Rick Tillotsen, a BYU alumni has spent most of his post-college life working to convince the University of the dire dilemma facing them.

“I’m just so glad they finally came around,” said Tillotsen. “That’s what BYU is all about – what they’ve always been about – naked people.”

The statement will be released to the public after the “de-loin clothing” ceremony of the Indian west of the HBLL.

Jan 13: Policeman received a report of a carriage of such monstrous proportions and noise that a number of students dropped like road apples to the dusty earth. One student reported the behemoth of carriages to be traveling at speeds of more than 3 KM per hour, and was reportedly traveling without use of horses or other God-created animal. Police remind the student body of the Lord’s University that such devilry is not permitted on or off campus, and that the hooligans conjuring such tomfoolery will be lashed.

Dec 12: A student of proper age was apprehended by policeman after shouting at local passerbys near the old oak tree by the library. When approached by authoritative personnel, the student filled his downy legs with flight and made for safe cover, hiding behind a patch of bushes. When the student was caught, he shouted “Please, I’m waiting for my Mum!” Police Chief Longbottom reminds the student body that “waiting for your Mum” is not acceptable.

Dec. 27: Policeman put to sunder a racous hootenanny at 2:00 in the Ante Meridiem at the old shed on campus. The hanky-panky was being caused by 4 young rapscallions laden with victuals of splendid proportions. Policeman asked the lads to disperse, and were so compliant.

Jan 19: A gypsy caravan was spotted faring east on 9th. Policeman captured the vagrants and deposited them in the underground dungeon for questioning.

“This is an exciting time for BYU,” said Friedman. “We have always been ahead of most other Universities in the United States – we were the first to drop students in the Amazon and the first school to initiate the “Spend a Week in an Active Volcano” study abroad program,which was a blast I might add! So this is just the next logical step. Eddie is going to the moon!”

Eddie Nueman, 19 year-old freshman from BYU

BYU chose the lucky student in the Cougareat while reading The Daily Universe, the Universities local “newspaper.”  The student will spend one week in preparation for the intense shuttle ride and 3 year stay on the lunar surface. He will be trained on how to repair the shuttle, survive in temperatures ranging from -233 C to 123 F, and living with no human contact for extended periods of time.

Scott Rees, Associate professor of the Physics and Astronomy Dept. has been called to be head of the new Interstellar Study Abroad program.

“It’s an honor to be a part of this,” said Rees. “We have already started building a prototype shuttle under the SWKT. I have already sent many rodents into space using the Kinetic Interstellar Lunar Landing System (KILLS for short). As soon as we figure out how to keep the shuttle from exploding, Eddie is in for quite a ride!”

Neuman is excited for the trip, and is confident in the University’s ablility to send him into space, despite their complete lack of knowledge on space travel.

“I have a test next week,” said Neuman. “And my asthma really bothers me, and I get sick when I see an airplane.”

Neuman will not undergo any preliminary mental or physical health tests before being sent into space due to the  limited budget. It is speculated that he will figure it all out once he gets there.

“The trick is getting him up there,” said Rees. “After that things should just smooth out.”

The campus will not allow Neuman to contact his parents regarding the lunar visit due to security risks.

“They’ll find out sooner or later,” said Friedman. “And when they do they will be darn proud of their son.”

The launch is planned for the 1st of March at 5:00 A.M. and can be seen on BYUTV.